More on first lines

In my mind, I've been reworking some chapters in my first volume of my Fashion and Fiends series. Except the more I contemplate, the more I think I'm treading into rewrite territory instead of edit... Is this Galen's story (the villain from Manipulations and Courting Apparitions, the first two volumes in the series) or is it someone else's story?

The ideas I've found make Galen a better character, and I think he needs them unless I'm willing to relegate him to a less-than-my-best status and I don't think I am ready for that.

I opened my file and planned to read the text noting what edits would be necessary if I implemented my ideas. It became overwhelming quickly. So I started drafting potential new first chapters. And today, after six weeks of summer class and no real word gain on any of my personal projects, I wrote this line as my proposed new opening:

The sanctuary trembled on shockwaves of heat, rattling the century-old stained glass, as Galen flung his wooden staff toward his lover. 

Of course, I already want to change "lover" to "sister" and show them doing something naughty in the next sentence.

I suppose the moral of this blog remains to be seen, but I have to reiterate that you have to follow your instincts when you think something is wrong with the text.

Reshaping

I finished a solid draft of Allegheny Beast yesterday, rewriting portions to make it a romance instead of a suspense book. I sent it to a friend to read, and he so kindly pointed out all the obvious errors.

Whenever you're working on a project, trying to change the essence of what it is-- in this case changing a manuscript from suspense to romance-- leaves you open to intimate errors. An intimate error is an error made not because you've failed to do the research or build a compelling character. It's an error that you overlook because you have grown too intimate with the subject matter.

In my case, I wrote a new chapter one and moved the old chapter one to chapter three. I forgot to move the exposition from that original chapter one to the new chapter one.

This is a key reminder of one of the prime editing rules for any type of project. Always read what's on the page and track where it is and where it belongs.

After you read something 1,000 times, you start to see words that aren't there.

Uggh.

Preparing the agent submission as requested by the agent.

I got a request for synopsis plus three. That's pretty standard.

I freshened up my synopsis. (The agent's web site does not dictate a length for the synopsis, and I opted not to go with either my one page synopsis nor my five page, I edited a new 2.5 page synopsis.)

But I'm striking out on the query.

None of them sound right. I feel extra pressure since I did so uncharacteristically poor at the pitch.

Who's rules are you writing by?

I finished (so I hope) two brochures for work today. Several of us had a disagreement regarding whether on-the-hour times should read:

• 8 a.m.
• 8:00 a.m.
• 8:00 A.M.

Now, the first on the list is Associated Press/newspaper style.

Which got me explaining the important of knowing what "style" we wish to convey as an organization and sticking to that style. We also discussed:

• Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., celebration
• Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. celebration
• Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. celebration

I felt the insertion of one comma mimicked addressing a person or an envelop, which we're not doing here. I felt no comma was best and two commas felt like creating "Jr." as an appositive phrase that could be removed...

So, who's rules were we trying to follow? Associated Press? Chicago? Etiquette? Our own?

And from there, I pondered who's rules I tried to follow when I write. We must write for ourselves, I've covered that before. But we all impose rules on what we do. First person or third. Third limited or omniscient. Can prepositions end a sentence? Show don't tell.

(Yet, many big commercial authors have no grammar skills and don't follow any rules.)

We want to write by rules of agents and editors. We worry what rules of theme and plot we can break without distancing readers. How much sex is okay?

Last night, my critique group read my new chapter one of Courting Apparitions. They thought it worked, but it raised the following questions:

• Do the frankness of the discussions between the two men, followed by the kissing/greetings rituals of the French make the main character seem bisexual?
• Would a typical American reader lose all sympathy for the main character if it is revealed that he was tricked into sleeping with a 15-year-old girl?
  

The answers were interesting, and made me realize how taboos/rules/expectations of society factor into the rules of writing...

Sequel Chapter two done (hopefully)

So, a few weeks ago I was thrilled to revise the first chapter of my second book in my series. I finally came up with a concept that worked. A concept that conveyed all the items and tensions I needed, with action and compassion and characterization.

Chapter three is strong. Chapter four is even stronger.

But chapter two... well, with a new chapter one, I had to toss chapter two to the dogs. It didn't make sense. For days, I have puttered around the house trying to come up with what I needed to do in chapter two. Oh, the mundane realities of what came next were easy, but as I sat down to write, I realized, 12 pages in... I had pertinent information, but nothing that advanced the plot.

I had too many new characters introduced, random conversations in the kitchen, detailed getting ready for bed rituals, even 800 words on how to cover a bruise with make-up.

So I needed to consider my objectives for the chapter and list my housekeeping items:

• acclimate the reader to the layout of Étienne's house
• foreshadow some of Étienne's relationship struggles
• develop a secondary character, but not ALL of them, not in the same chapter
• construct more of an identity for the deceased character
• have the characters find the secret sketchbook

Now, in addition, I tend to write my chapters almost like short stories, with a central action. So I needed something to fuse these ideas.

At it's simplest, chapter one breaks down to this:
The main character heads to a bar, meets an old acquaintance who dated the now deceased character, has a hallucination and gets into a fight.

Chapter two now goes something like this:
Character goes home, has heart-to-heart with old friend/employee and in the morning, they pack deceased characters clothes until her parents arrive.

How can such simple things cause such pain?

Challenging your knowledge

I'm still in the "tearing up" stages I mentioned yesterday. I got fabulously inspired with my new chapter one, and had a healthy start to chapter two. But my text is now meandering. I know exactly why I have chosen to move in each of these directions, but the word count is stacking up and the chapter still hasn't covered what it needs to do.

I try to structure each of my chapters like a short story, with a finite piece of action that almost works on its own without the rest of the novel. Thus far, that structural trick has escaped me in most of this volume, plus I've had unclear transitions between the chapters. Enough so that when I go back after a few weeks rest and read it cold, I get jarred by what's happening.

Not good.

But now this chapter seems to be spending its forty days in the wilderness... I have a good chapter one (I think, it's resting and I'm uncertain how it will read after a break) and I know I have a good chapter three (my husband has insisted for years that it is chapter one in disguise; plus my critique group liked it). So, why the problem with #2?

I listed the items that this chapter needs to establish:

• The layout of the house/ the real setting (Étienne comes home from the bar)
• Slowly include other characters (so far we have met Étienne, our hero, and Galen, our bad guy. Since Galen punch Étienne in the face twice in the initial chapter I think it's fair game to mention that here)
• Lay the groundwork for the relationship between Étienne and his wife/ex-wife/fiancée (yes, these are all the same person, Basilie, or as he calls her, Zélie)
• Have Étienne find Adelaide's sketchbook and her collection of his drawings (in the past, the finding of the sketchbook happens 'off-screen' and really should be a pivotal moment)
• Link the middle of the night with the day, and the following evening, as Chapter Three begins at bedtime the next night. Chapter one: Friday night/Saturday a.m.; Chapter two: Saturday; Chapter Three: Saturday night/ Sunday a.m.; Chapter Four, Sunday a.m.; Chapter Five, Sunday a.m.

That's a tall order. And later I will have to tear up this chapter and evaluate how each scene contributes to each of these goals.

At the midpoint in the chapter, Étienne grows tired of everyone commenting on his black eye and uses Adelaide's make-up kit to cover it. In looking at my goals, I realize there's a good chance this scene might get cut (unless I later determine it's necessary to establish Étienne's weight in the fashion world) but for right now, I'm running with it.

A scene like this is where my journalism background comes in handy (now I'm getting to the crux of my entry: the challenging your knowledge bit). I know next to nothing about make-up. I also know covering a bruise like a black eye is hard. I've read enough fashion magazines religiously to know some basic concepts, but overall, when it comes to make-up, I'm a failure. I just don't use it.

And here's Étienne, about to attempt something I would never do. And he's supposed to understand how to do it. Now, for more academic topics, like daily life in Paris after World War II, I would turn to the college library and the article databases I can access as a student. For make-up, not so much...

I know this much:

• the task at hand is hard
• the colors he puts on his face must not only 'match' his skin tone, but they also must counteract the colors of the bruise
• luckily, he could have almost any tool at his disposal, since we have the make-up kit of a former supermodel who has also done some styling over the years
  

So, I turn to the internet and some books I have, trying to hit the right key words for my questions:

• What's in Adelaide's make-up kit?
• What should he apply and how?
• What are the details that will make it sound like he knows what he's doing without getting too deep?
  

I'm reluctant to share my first draft... especially since I know I'm going to cut some/most of it... but should I share what I learned? Hmmm...

Okay, rough draft, reminder, this is a rough draft (I can tell while I copy and paste I want to change lots of words here, but I won't. Not now. I have other things to do):

Never the type to fight, not even when his older brother had him pinned to the floor, Étienne hadn’t ever seen his face this swollen and mottled. Even after his car accident, with his head embedded in the windshield, he hadn’t seen this much discoloration. Suddenly, that fact struck him as odd.

He unscrewed the Kevyn Aucoin Sensual Skin Enhancer and applied some to the back of his right hand. Once convinced it wouldn’t turn his skin an unnatural color, he dabbed it on his skin with a sponge. He could have used his finger, but the sponge offered a lighter touch on his tender face.

He needed something with more gold, maybe some green to really hide the vivid bruise, so he rummaged through the kit for Adelaide’s RCMA foundation. He prayed she had the right colors, or he’d have to use other pigments to blend the right hue. Luckily, she had a KO sample palette. On the second guess, he determined the right base hue and piled some on the back of his left hand. With a small brush he mixed in some extra color to make the match and then added golden tones. When the heat from his hand had softened it enough, he layered some onto his eye, from under the eye to his cheek and then from the middle of the eyelid up and delicately toward the eyelashes.

He fished out Adelaide’s bottle of 244 and added a drop to what remained on his hand. After a good stirring of the thinner/remover and the foundation, Étienne used the sponge to apply another coat.

I can't believe I shared this. Off to run and hide...

First chapters

I hate first chapters. I'm a notoriously critical reader. It took me years to get past page eight of Wuthering Heights... I think it was Wuthering Heights... because the beginning was so dry. Once I got past page eight, I loved the book.

I go to the library or the bookstore, I open the book and look at the first couple paragraphs. What is the opening sentence? What 'person' is it? If it's first person, that's a hurdle the author will have to overcome.

I hate the first person. Now, there are exceptions. Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games. But in general, authors who rely on the first person for their voice never fully developed their characters/writing enough to construct a well-crafted story... but that's an argument for another day.

I judge the authors I read on their sentence structure, their word choice and what happens on that first page. Perhaps I should be an agent... or a reader for a publishing house.

Some friends had posted this link on their facebook page:

Seven reasons agents stop reading your work
http://www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/7%20Reasons%20Agents%20Stop%20Reading%20Your%20First%20Chapter.aspx

Now, I don't think I do any of these things. (Although right now, I do have dates in the beginning of my chapter as a simple reminder to myself to keep my chronology straight. My work depends on moon phase for some events, and I have a pregnant woman who's going to give birth in this novel so I have to be careful with the time sequence. The dates will disappear in later drafts...)

First chapters are hard. It's hard to find that balance of tight writing, exposition, character introduction and compelling action. Agents and editors judge on that first five pages and what happens there sets the pace for the whole manuscript. As an author, there's nothing worse than the intuition that your first chapter doesn't measure up to the rest of the book...

So, the word count mentioned in the link above, doing a "writing idol" contest based on the first 250 words interested me. Now, I'm cautious about posting my work on the internet, but I have been mulling this over for a day and I want to address this question of openings...

This is the current first paragraph (66 words) of book one of my Fashion and Fiends series:
"A drunken jumble of bleached blonde hair, cheap denim, and tight tank tops crashed from the unlabeled door. Inside his car, he reached for his cigarettes, tapping the box with his finger. The blondes stumbled, arms tangled and bodies barely upright, to a Firebird. They exuded their intoxication as a dreary fog that blurred the defining lines between them. He only needed one for the ritual."

This is its predecessor, the former first couple paragraphs of the same book. I was pitching this book to agents with this paragraph at the lead and I hated it the entire time. That should have been a sign that these 144 words didn't work:
"Galen could kill her so easily right now. He could wrap his fingers around Adelaide’s throat and suffocate her, quickly and directly as she slept. He inhaled sharply, meditated, and sprinkled cleansing herbs across her bed.
Galen didn’t want to kill her. If he had, he would have done it as soon as she opened the sliding glass door to her balcony. But he didn’t. He had plans. Hopes. Instead of destroying her, he ushered her sleepwalking figure back to bed, not distracted by her nudity on this humid summer night. She had a toned, muscular figure and shapely bosom uncommon in other fashion models, but Galen recognized assets beyond those that might attract mere mortal men."

This is the former first paragraph (89 words) of book two of my Fashion and Fiends series:
"Something orange and translucent clung to the cuff of Galen's sleeve as he swapped lenses on his Nikon. Étienne hobbled closer, index finger and thumb pinched to grab the offending scrap but a sudden flicker stopped him. The vivid orange-and-red object moved toward the hem and over Galen's hand. A flame. Fire. As it licked Galen's fingers, Étienne's chest tightened. His throat swelled, blocking the air. He fumbled for a chair, but someone had moved the furniture to accommodate the clothing racks, the lighting equipment and the make-up stations."

Now I've determined my proposed chapter one is too fast past and unresolved to anchor the story, so I've mounted my umpteenth revision and this is my current first page or so (255 words) for the second book:
"Étienne d’Amille clung to the steering wheel of his wife’s Mercedes, his fingers grip tight enough to stretch the supple leather of his favorite old driving gloves. The keys laid in his lap as he surveyed the other cars in the parking lot from his rear view mirror. The typical array of dusty pick-up trucks and nondescript Chevrolets and Fords surrounded him, except for one gleaming black sports car with white racing stripes.
A Dodge Viper. His eyes remained nailed to the spot. Or, how did the Americans put it? Glued. Glued to the spot. The heavy emptiness that had dwelled inside him since September now ached, even worse than it had inside the house.
He couldn’t sleep inside the house. He hadn’t gone into the bathroom where Adelaide committed suicide, where he had his heart attack, but yet somehow his wife slept in a bed in the next room. He couldn’t. But then, these days he barely slept anywhere...
He thought he would sneak out, have a beer, and go home. This tiny town had a population of 400 people and in that respect, it reminded him of rural France. Not much to do and not much there. This particular country hamlet had one option at this advanced hour of the night: a bar péquenot... peasant? redneck? He hadn’t expected to find anyone he knew, let alone the Viper.
Galen’s Viper. The aspiring photographer had dated Adelaide. She was completely infatuated with him. Étienne hadn’t heard of him or seen him since her death."

In my revisions, I have moved the location of the opening of the second book to the same setting where book one opens. This makes for an interesting parallelism and I'm intrigued to see if structurally it will work...

I guess I don't have much of a point for this rambling but to say that first chapters are hard. Eternally. Because as authors we know what we have to say and it's bursting from us, but to try and control that initial flood of information... It's hard. But therein lies the fun and the frustration.